It has been a while since I let someone in. Partly because I know I am too much to take. We all do. It is sort of a self analysis that I did after my past relationships with anybody, including my friends. And it seemed unfair to blame them for anything. I feel equally responsible of their reactions that clearly generate either out of my actions or our conversations, our ideals and our beliefs. Its never just one person on the other side.
So I know. When he left, I gave him reasons. I will never forget this. Or even when I am verbally explaining this in a drunk conversation to a friend, I mention how it was/is my fault.
All I will ever feel sort of bad about is that I did not sign up for this heartache. Its disturbing to realize how I am too much to take for someone. Isn’t it? I agree I was never unwanted but I am intoleratable. Like, oh my God. That’s even worse. My only complaint ever is that he knew. He knew me. He was getting to know me. He could have tried to handle me.
To be honest, I am a sensible and a mature person but you know how they say. Love grabs all the sanity out of your head and throws it out of the window.
I began to feel insecure. That’s only because this person had started to mean so much and I did not wish to lose him. Obvious. He seemed to look over this fact.
Now, its not even a point writing about it. Or mentioning it. I am not in grief or in any sort of emotional rush. All I needed to know was when we were getting along, I should have made sure if he was in for all of me. And not just the convinient part. See again, my bad. I pictured myself so sane to this man that he couldn’t take my stupidity.
Its me at fault. I know it. All I know is, the next person that I meet I will make sure I establish the groud rules. I mention that I am going to be occassionally very stupid and say silly things. I am going to take time understanding some things and adjusting with them. I am going to lose my temper on the littlest possible arguments and even drag them. I am going to hang up the phone and not reply to the texts.
But. How much ever I do these things, I’ll be there. I will feel the same. And eventually I will again be the same person you liked after I am past the insecurity. I am a woman, let us not forget that. It is in my nature to be hyper and over react.
All you need to do is sign up for the whole package and try not running away. Please?