So whatever you do, do it for you.
Every other day with him seemed like a fantasy.. Not the ones on the dirty websites, the ones that the Karan Johar movies are all about. The love, affect and care. It felt so alive. Sometimes, when I go back and think, it makes me feel the insecurity that I carried.. or err.. still carry. I have never been content. In my own company. In my own world. Always looking for another soul to match, another person to talk to, another person.. some other person. It could be my mom, could be my brother, my boyfriend, my friends, colleagues.. Anyone. There was a need. There still is. But its like now, it is more of a craving that I can overcome. Like sweets, I love them. But they make me fat, so I know just how much, and when. When is my cheat hour.
Moving to a new city is always difficult. Always a lot of changes. A new lifestyle. I had it all coming and I was prepared. But I wasn’t scared. For one thing, out of the many that I have learnt throughout all this much life that has lead, is that the regrets after your own decision are the most painful. Because there is no blaming anyone else and self-sulking is much worse. I knew I am making a choice and while I am at it, I will lose a lot of people I care about.
But is it just me? Is it just me to care? Is it just me to be insecure about things changing? If so.. Why me? Why only me? Why should I be the one carrying the burden? Why should I think three ways to make something work?
AS much as the truth hurts, it is always you. If it is the other person there, into it, equally- he/she will make it a point that this issue never comes up. There is never enough head paid to it to cause any worry. But that never happens right? And you are always the bad person.
So when this kept happening, every time I moved to new place.. I realized I cannot tag anyone or anything permanent. They might be my constants but in a proportional manner. And we might not even talk for a longer duration and things will definitely change. They do change, and they change for good.
I have realized how important it is to be in love with yourself. Believe it or not, it sends out the vibe. I know if I have no company for dinner I will still cook it well and enjoy it. I know how to enjoy my chai without feeling alone. I know how to admirable the view outside my window with my favorite songs playlist and not think about how it would have been if someone else sat on the other side of it.
It was very organic though. This change. But now, I have nothing to complain. I love everyone that I did, equally still. Its just that I love myself a little more.